Month: September 2018

Depression, Mental Health, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

My Brain Chemistry Knew Before I Did

Liana

I am currently semi-retired from over thirty-five years in the corporate world. As such, the days tend to (blissfully) run into each other. Friday is no longer the anchor tethering me to sanity and the term “long weekend” means little more than an extra day when family and friends may be available to socialize. As such, I often ask my husband what day of the week it is and have to consult a calendar to learn the exact date.

Having said that, the first day of fall – the actual first day of fall (here in southern Ontario); September 22nd – came and went unnoticed until my brother mentioned it.

And then it clicked!

For several days prior, I had been feeling low… melancholy… yes, depressed. It was like my body already knew – shortened days, grayer skies, more frequent rains, colder temps. While in my semi-retired-induced date oblivion, my brain chemistry discerned the subtle changes in the environment that in my case, lead to those low, melancholy, depressed days/weeks/months of the Canadian winter.

Oh boy. I mean – I knew it was coming… of course, I knew. Winter is coming (shameless Game of Thrones reference) has a whole new meaning when it comes to people with depression. Given I’ve worked full-time for the past 35+ years, I’ve more-or-less been calendar-locked. I knew exactly what the date was and what it could/may mean, and so, in ways, would go about doing my depression-readying “homework” to prepare myself. But this was the first time it snuck up on me, and I find myself more than a little behind the eight ball.

There was one positive that came out of this – it gave the blah feelings I was/am having (for no apparent reason) some credibility. You see, part of the self-stigma attached to depression and anxiety is that you feel you’re faking it. You know better, of course, but still. There’s always that devil on your shoulder screaming “FAKER!” at you.

Ok – so, now for the depression-readying “homework”:

Anxiety, Mental Health

Anxiety Disorder Is a Bitch!

Liana

When you don’t notice your anxiety, that’s how you know your anxiety is abating. Does that make sense?

To people with anxiety, I’m sure it does. To people wanting to know more about anxiety – it’s like this.

Anxiety disorder is a sneaky bitch and, in my experience, comes in three distinct forms.

In my recent post entitled Anxiety Sufferers – Know Thyself, I wrote about my journey with anxiety as it pertains to the come out of nowhere kind of anxiety. This is when your fight-or-flight brain chemistry kicks in for no damned good reason, and you’re left panting and sweating and breathing hard and essentially scared out of your wits.

The second kind is somewhat like the first type. You are in a constant state of unease – like waiting for the shoe to drop when there’s nothing really going on. You can’t relax. You’re angst-y and agitated, but you don’t know why.

The third kind is trigger-based. Easier to understand as it is associated with something that happens. Everybody has this, but for anxiety disorder sufferers, it is very pronounced.

Normal person: Crap! I can’t believe that happened.
Me: THE SKY IS FALLING!!

My recent struggles have been with these last two. Bouts of the sky is falling with general unease as the baseline. This, of course, is NOT okay, and so, following my adage of know thyself, I sought medical attention. And there’s no overnight remedy to this. These symptoms worsen over time, so, it takes time to encourage them to abate.

My doctor: So, how’s your anxiety?
Me: I haven’t noticed it!
My doctor and me together: THAT’S FANTASTIC!

This time, it’s taken seven months (from the tipping point) of doctor’s visits, therapy sessions, repeated exposure to positivity, (lots of) rest, and two drug modification to achieve this plateau. I’m grateful! And yet, the journey continues. Like I said, anxiety disorder is a bitch.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

Compassion Fatigue When Dealing With an Elderly Parent

Liana

I had never heard of compassion fatigue (CF). My therapist mentioned it to me as something from which I might be suffering taking care of my elderly father.

Giving Care to an Elderly Parent

Together with my three siblings, I look after my elderly father. My Mom passed away in 2016, and Dad is now on his own.

Dad is curmudgeonly by nature. Add to this his advanced age, loneliness, varied annoying health issues, and losing his driver’s license, and you get an angry man who regularly heaps toxic levels of negativity onto us – the people who love him the most.

We try our best – the four of us. Shuttling him here and there. Visiting and sharing a meal or a cup of tea. Walking with him around the mall and helping him buy a few groceries. He has a very small life, and so the physical demands on us are small too. But, psychologically? The effects are deep and draining.

Recognizing Compassion Fatigue

Eventually, CF leads to some significant symptoms, such as anxiety, headaches, digestive problems, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, and a lack of empathy or indifference toward the person you’re caring for.

This is where I am right now. Indifference. I love my father dearly and want very much to participate in his care. But how do I get from indifference back to where I genuinely want to help him?

The short answer is self-care and boundaries.

Mitigating Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue

After reading up about CF on the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project and other websites and watching some videos (see one below) on the topic, it seems I am severely behind the ball. I should have been proactively participating in daily/regular rejuvenation practices (like self-care) to help alleviate CF symptoms.

But like I said at the beginning – who knew that this was even a thing? I sure didn’t. But now I do. And so do you.

Feature image by Shane on Unsplash.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

Anxiety Sufferers – KNOW THYSELF!

Liana

My journey with anxiety disorder has been a long one. The first anxiety attack (I can remember) occurred when I was around age 10. I woke up in the pre-dawn hours scared out of my wits. Pounding heart, sweaty palms, and rapid breathing through clenched teeth. I crept through the quiet house, opened the front door and sat on the step where I waited for these odd, scary-as-shit symptoms to abate – some very long minutes later.

I assumed it was a nightmare.

While on a school trip in grade eleven, the same thing happened after just having fallen asleep. In a panic, I went to my teacher’s room, explained what was happening and pleaded for help. This time, it wasn’t mere minutes before the symptoms abated, this time it was four long hours. To his credit, my teacher held my hand the entire time – wondering aloud with me, calming me, supporting me.

The entire eleventh grade assumed I was high or drunk.

It wasn’t until years later, after dozens of similarly terrifying episodes, that I learned I had anxiety disorder – a diagnosis that came at the same time as my chronic depression.

I was so relieved to know that I wasn’t going crazy! All those years I had battled the invisible yet oh-so-visceral imaginary demons on my own. Now, the demons had a name and finally, I would get help.

Help for bothanxiety and depression in the form of a tiny pill, talk-therapy (CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and over the long haul, acute self-awareness. And this is the key to continued healing. KNOW THYSELF! Learn to recognize the signs indicative of a depression downturn. Know when your otherwise managed anxiety is evolving – changing its demon mask, sneaking up on you in a different form (different symptoms). SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY! And whatever you do, do NOT let the demons win!

We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.