Category: Mental Health

Anxiety, Cannabis, Depression, Mental Health

#Cannabis is legal in Canada P3 – Marrying tried-and-true with the new when managing #mentalillness

Liana

In a recent post, I wrote about the adverse side effects I’d had to a pharma-based switch in my medication, prescribed to help with my evolving anxiety – which it did do. To counteract the side effects, my doctor prescribed more pharma meds. I disagreed and went back to my old medication.

My decision to go back to my old meds was a good one as the side effects essentially disappeared. Unfortunately though, the anxiety reappeared, rearing its ugly, pernicious head.

#Cannabis has helped! Indeed, vaping cannabis for breakthrough anxiety (like breakthrough pain but with anxiety) helps (me) a great deal. So, when my trusty vaporizer went on the fritz two weeks ago, away went my ability to self-treat. It was more than a little unsettling.

Immediately, I decided to invest in a backup vaporizer. Cyber-Monday sales helped with this, but the ongoing Canada Post strike meant it would be a few days before I would receive the product. So, I pulled out the proverbial CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) handbook and got busy practicing my coping techniques.

I learned two things. First, using cannabis to manage my breakthrough anxiety works lickety-split! Within minutes of vaping, I’m calm and feeling pleasant. Second, CBT does help (me). It is exhausting, requires a lot of motivation (hard for a chronic depressive like me), and takes time to be effective – depending on the breakthrough anxiety of the moment. Still, it helped me through a few rough patches.

Anxiety and depression are ongoing, (sometimes) lifelong struggles. Use ALL the tools at your disposal; both the tried-and-true (medication, CBT, etc.) and the new (cannabis, etc.). If one of the tools in your toolbox goes on the fritz, reach in and grab another one. As I’ve said in prior posts – when it comes to managing (your) #mentalillness, you gotta do the homework! Know thyself. Participate in your own healing. Nobody else can do it for you.

Cannabis, Mental Health

#Cannabis is legal in Canada P2 – Don’t mix cannabis with alcohol and never, EVER, drive under the influence

Liana

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m 54 years old. My more serious foray into cannabis started earlier this year, exploring its benefits and uses as an alternative to big pharma – particularly for anxiety and depression. Before that, and excluding the one time I tried it in high-school (one hit), I started partaking in recreational cannabis in 2015, occasionally (once or twice a year) shared a joint with friends.

Cannabis consumption felt good. It made me happy. I laughed… a lot… great, big cathartic laughs! It was fun and it helped me temporarily escape the stresses in my life. Because it was illegal in Canada, and because of the overall stigma cannabis has suffered in the past, I obviously shied away. Oddly (or is it), I had no problem whatsoever drinking alcohol to help me get through a rough day/week/month. I wouldn’t say I became an alcoholic, but my wine consumption rose to about 3-4 bottles a week! For me, that was a lot! No wonder I now have fatty-liver disease (a story for another day).

As you can imagine, it was just a matter of time before the everyday alcohol consumption collided with the occasional cannabis consumption and I experienced my first (and last) serious alcohol/cannabis crossfade (a term my son-in-law taught me).

It was New Year’s Eve 2015 and a few family and friends came over to ring in 2016. We were drinking and someone suggested we have some cannabis. I was all in! Things at work were more and more hectic and I was more than delighted by the prospect of losing myself in the occasion.

I had far too much cannabis far too fast.  On top of the alcohol I had already consumed, I quickly (not quick enough) understood that I was in for a bumpy ride… a.k.a. the crossfade from hell!

I was couch-locked (couldn’t move) and barely aware of my surroundings… except for the lights and colours on the TV (Fergie was singing her heart out on Dick Clark). After being offered and accepting something to eat, I closed my eyes and tried to stop myself and the room from spinning. It was working – until I opened one eye just a sliver to see if I was any better.

Let’s just say that eating macaroni and cheese had been a very poor choice given the state I was in. I was still couch-locked, despite the mess I’d made on myself, on the floor, and on the chair (thank god for leather furniture). My adult-aged daughter (yes, my daughter – the guilt was unbearable the next morning) jumped into action, running for a bucket, paper towels and rags. She took care of me; cleaned me up and put me to bed. There I was, a 50-year-old very responsible mom, crossfading after making several bad decisions. This wasn’t funny at all. This wasn’t cathartic. It was tragic. And ever so embarrassing – to this day.

I was unbelievably lucky and so grateful to have been in the safety of my own home, with people who loved me, who helped me without judgement. Imagine something like this happening at a friend’s house, at a restaurant or at a bar? Imagine if I had been driving! The impact – the literal impact – that driving in this condition could have had!

I’m sharing this story in the hopes that people might benefit from my experience. You’re gonna drink? Okay. You’re gonna do cannabis? Okay. Do NOT do both together! And, most importantly – never, EVER, get behind the wheel of a car! There is absolutely no way to predict what will happen to your judgement and/or your abilities while under the influence.

I know I’m like the pot (no pun intended) calling the kettle black but please… consume responsibly!

 

 

 

 

Anxiety, Cannabis, Depression, Women's Health

Cannabis Is Legal in Canada – Might It Help Me With My Mental Illness?

Liana

So cannabis is finally legal in Canada. YAY! October 17th was a big day for us – as a forward-thinking nation, of course – but also for many of us with mental illness looking to either subsidize our pharma products with cannabis or replace them altogether.

My doctor wasn’t ready to make that assertion, nor was she ready to refer me to someone who would. Thusly, I took the matter into my own hands, doing my own research on cannabis as a treatment option for people with mental illness. And to be completely honest, legalization notwithstanding, I have been experimenting with various strains of cannabis and documenting my experiences.

If you’ve read a few of my blogs, you’ll know that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2000, but have memories of dealing with anxiety and panic from around the time I entered puberty. Since 2000, I have been on two different prescriptions – both SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), both effective for a time. I consider myself one of the lucky ones – I’ve only had to use two… some sufferers are on veritable cocktails of pharma medications.

Since the onset of peri-menopause three years ago, I’ve been all over the map with my symptoms. Most recently (the past 9 months), I have really been struggling with anxiety to the point where for the third time since 2000, I was put on a new medication – this time, an SNRI (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors). (As an aside, I was also diagnosed with pre-hypertension and prescribed a low-dose medication for it). While this new SNRI medication has helped a great deal with the anxiety, it has caused two notable side-effects; brain-zaps and exacerbated tinnitus (ringing/whooshing in the ears – which I’ve had my whole life but would only hear if it was either very quiet, or after being subjected to very loud noise e.g. a concert). The tinnitus is now loud and constant and the brain-zaps are happening several times a day (where before they would happen maybe once a month). NOT GOOD! Also noticed but unconfirmed by my doctor as being related (though I believe it is), my blood pressure is even higher despite the medication that was supposed to help lower it! Both tinnitus and hypertension (high blood pressure) are listed as possible side-effects of SRNIs.

My fear when changing medications again was that I would be faced with the very thing that has happened – side-effects that require further exploration (referral to an ENT (Ear/Nose/Throat) doctor – which could take months – to ensure there is nothing mechanically wrong with my ears) and even worse, more medications – I was told to double the hypertension medication! Neither of these will help the brain-zaps at all.

And so, I’ve come full circle back to the question – might cannabis help me with my mental illness? This last doctor’s visit has solidified my resolve to continue my exploration with cannabis to treat my anxiety (as a first step). Against my doctor’s recommendation, I am going to ween myself off the SNRIs and back onto the SSRIs (my baseline, before side-effects). I am not willing to wait for an ENT to tell me that yes, I have tinnitus and no, there is nothing mechanical going on.  I do NOT want to double the hypertension medication that was supposed to reduce my high blood pressure.

It is my long-range goal/hope that maybe I can ween myself off of all of it. That’s lofty given the last time I went off my medications without doctor’s supervision I ended up in a deep depression that lasted months. Then again – cannabis wasn’t really an option then. It is now. And the best part is that, since legalization, I can now do it out in the open without having to suffer the villainization that cannabis has suffered in the past.

If you are looking to start your exploration into cannabis, try the Strainprint app. I have found it an invaluable source for researching ailments, symptoms and strains, as well as tracking my sessions with cannabis. Strainprint is available in the Google Playstore as well as the App Store. Thank you Humble & Fred Radio for recommending this app and for all the great cannabis-related content you’ve provided.

Anxiety, Cannabis, Depression, Menopause, Mental Health, Women's Health

Can Cannabis Help with My Mental illness?

Liana

So cannabis is finally legal in Canada. YAY! October 17th was a big day for us – as a forward-thinking nation, of course – but also for many of us with mental illness looking to either subsidize our pharma products with cannabis, or replace them altogether.

My doctor wasn’t ready to make that assertion nor was she ready to refer me to someone who would. Thusly, I took the matter into my own hands, doing my own research on cannabis as a treatment option for people with mental illness. And to be completely honest, legalization notwithstanding, I have been experimenting with various strains of cannabis and documenting my experiences.

If you’ve read a few of my blogs you’ll know that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2000, but have memories of dealing with anxiety and panic from around the time I entered puberty. Since 2000, I have been on two different prescriptions – both SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), both effective for a time. I consider myself one of the lucky ones – I’ve only had to use two… some sufferers are on veritable cocktails of pharma medications.

Since the onset of perimenopause three years ago, I’ve been all over the map with my symptoms. Most recently (the past 9 months), I have really been struggling with anxiety to the point where for the third time since 2000, I was put on a new medication – this time, an SNRI (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors). (As an aside, I was also diagnosed with pre-hypertension and prescribed a low-dose medication for it). While this new SNRI medication has helped a great deal with the anxiety, it has caused two notable side effects; brain-zaps and exacerbated tinnitus (ringing/whooshing in the ears – which I’ve had my whole life but would only hear if it was either very quiet, or after being subjected to very loud noise e.g. a concert). The tinnitus is now loud and constant and the brain-zaps are happening several times a day (where before they would happen maybe once a month). NOT GOOD! Also noticed but unconfirmed by my doctor as being related (though I believe it is), my blood pressure is even higher despite the medication that was supposed to help lower it! Both tinnitus and hypertension (high blood pressure) are listed as possible side-effects of SRNIs.

My fear when changing medications again was that I would be faced with the very thing that has happened – side-effects that require further exploration (referral to an ENT (Ear/Nose/Throat) doctor – which could take months – to ensure there is nothing mechanically wrong with my ears) and even worse, more medications – I was told to double the hypertension medication! Neither of these will help the brain-zaps at all.

And so, I’ve come full circle back to the question – might cannabis help me with my mental illness? This last doctor’s visit has solidified my resolve to continue my exploration with cannabis to treat my anxiety (as a first step). Against my doctor’s recommendation, I am going to ween myself off the SNRIs and back onto the SSRIs (my baseline, before side effects). I am not willing to wait for an ENT to tell me that yes, I have tinnitus and no, there is nothing mechanical going on.  I do NOT want to double the hypertension medication that was supposed to reduce my high blood pressure.

It is my long-range goal/hope that maybe I can ween myself off of all of it. That’s lofty given the last time I went off my medications without a doctor’s supervision I ended up in a deep depression that lasted months. Then again – cannabis wasn’t really an option then. It is now. And the best part is that, since legalization, I can now do it out in the open without having to suffer the villainization that cannabis has suffered in the past.

If you are looking to start your exploration into cannabis, try the Strainprint app. I have found it an invaluable source for researching ailments, symptoms and strains, as well as tracking my sessions with cannabis. Strainprint is available in the Google Playstore as well as the App Store. Thank you Humble & Fred Radio for recommending this app and for all the great cannabis-related content you’ve provided.

Mental Health

It’s Mental Illness Awareness Week in Canada – Many Still Suffer in Silence

Liana
MHAW

The difference in awareness of mental illness now as compared to even three years ago is astounding. Social media helps a great deal in spreading awareness. I follow several mental health-related handles on Twitter, including CAMH, Elephant in the Room, and Mental Health Platform, to name a few. They have been and continue to be great sources of not only information but comfort as well.

Why comfort? Because there is nothing like knowing that you’re not alone – that others are suffering, just like you.

Many of us who suffer from mental illness suffer in silence.

I was no different. While I have been writing about mental illness for several years (though few people knew about it), taking the step to vocalizing it was a whole new nest of bees. Of course, I had told my immediate family and some very close friends, but I had never gone beyond that – specifically, I had never told a colleague.

Several years ago, one particular colleague and I struck up a rather good work friendship. We would bitch about, and purge our work-related woes to each other (as work friends often do), finding that we had a lot in common. I keenly recognized her to be a high-functioning depressive, like me. I had begun to trust her, but still, I just wasn’t sure how she would react and, even more concerning, if she would keep my confidence.

One day, while walking back from getting an afternoon coffee, and in reference to some of the things we had been discussing, I took a deep breath and calmly stated, “I suffer from chronic depression.” We stopped walking, and she looked at me. This was it: the moment of truth.

We stood for another ten minutes while I shared with her my history of mental illness, both depression, and anxiety. And then something remarkable happened. My work friend shared some of her journey too. Not as much as I had, but that was okay. It was a start.

When we got back to our desks, she thanked me for opening up to her. I took a big step that day, and in some small way, I believe I helped her. It made us closer, and while she has since gone her way and I’ve gone mine, I still think ever so fondly of her and that indelible moment.

It was a risk. I understood it then, and I understand it to this day. You have to read the situation and trust your gut. Since that day, I have shared my mental illness journey with quite a few people, and it becomes easier each time.

Let’s keep the conversation going!

Depression, Mental Health, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

My Brain Chemistry Knew Before I Did

Liana

I am currently semi-retired from over thirty-five years in the corporate world. As such, the days tend to (blissfully) run into each other. Friday is no longer the anchor tethering me to sanity and the term “long weekend” means little more than an extra day when family and friends may be available to socialize. As such, I often ask my husband what day of the week it is and have to consult a calendar to learn the exact date.

Having said that, the first day of fall – the actual first day of fall (here in southern Ontario); September 22nd – came and went unnoticed until my brother mentioned it.

And then it clicked!

For several days prior, I had been feeling low… melancholy… yes, depressed. It was like my body already knew – shortened days, grayer skies, more frequent rains, colder temps. While in my semi-retired-induced date oblivion, my brain chemistry discerned the subtle changes in the environment that in my case, lead to those low, melancholy, depressed days/weeks/months of the Canadian winter.

Oh boy. I mean – I knew it was coming… of course, I knew. Winter is coming (shameless Game of Thrones reference) has a whole new meaning when it comes to people with depression. Given I’ve worked full-time for the past 35+ years, I’ve more-or-less been calendar-locked. I knew exactly what the date was and what it could/may mean, and so, in ways, would go about doing my depression-readying “homework” to prepare myself. But this was the first time it snuck up on me, and I find myself more than a little behind the eight ball.

There was one positive that came out of this – it gave the blah feelings I was/am having (for no apparent reason) some credibility. You see, part of the self-stigma attached to depression and anxiety is that you feel you’re faking it. You know better, of course, but still. There’s always that devil on your shoulder screaming “FAKER!” at you.

Ok – so, now for the depression-readying “homework”:

Anxiety, Mental Health

Anxiety Disorder Is a Bitch!

Liana

When you don’t notice your anxiety, that’s how you know your anxiety is abating. Does that make sense?

To people with anxiety, I’m sure it does. To people wanting to know more about anxiety – it’s like this.

Anxiety disorder is a sneaky bitch and, in my experience, comes in three distinct forms.

In my recent post entitled Anxiety Sufferers – Know Thyself, I wrote about my journey with anxiety as it pertains to the come out of nowhere kind of anxiety. This is when your fight-or-flight brain chemistry kicks in for no damned good reason, and you’re left panting and sweating and breathing hard and essentially scared out of your wits.

The second kind is somewhat like the first type. You are in a constant state of unease – like waiting for the shoe to drop when there’s nothing really going on. You can’t relax. You’re angst-y and agitated, but you don’t know why.

The third kind is trigger-based. Easier to understand as it is associated with something that happens. Everybody has this, but for anxiety disorder sufferers, it is very pronounced.

Normal person: Crap! I can’t believe that happened.
Me: THE SKY IS FALLING!!

My recent struggles have been with these last two. Bouts of the sky is falling with general unease as the baseline. This, of course, is NOT okay, and so, following my adage of know thyself, I sought medical attention. And there’s no overnight remedy to this. These symptoms worsen over time, so, it takes time to encourage them to abate.

My doctor: So, how’s your anxiety?
Me: I haven’t noticed it!
My doctor and me together: THAT’S FANTASTIC!

This time, it’s taken seven months (from the tipping point) of doctor’s visits, therapy sessions, repeated exposure to positivity, (lots of) rest, and two drug modification to achieve this plateau. I’m grateful! And yet, the journey continues. Like I said, anxiety disorder is a bitch.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

Compassion Fatigue When Dealing With an Elderly Parent

Liana

I had never heard of compassion fatigue (CF). My therapist mentioned it to me as something from which I might be suffering taking care of my elderly father.

Giving Care to an Elderly Parent

Together with my three siblings, I look after my elderly father. My Mom passed away in 2016, and Dad is now on his own.

Dad is curmudgeonly by nature. Add to this his advanced age, loneliness, varied annoying health issues, and losing his driver’s license, and you get an angry man who regularly heaps toxic levels of negativity onto us – the people who love him the most.

We try our best – the four of us. Shuttling him here and there. Visiting and sharing a meal or a cup of tea. Walking with him around the mall and helping him buy a few groceries. He has a very small life, and so the physical demands on us are small too. But, psychologically? The effects are deep and draining.

Recognizing Compassion Fatigue

Eventually, CF leads to some significant symptoms, such as anxiety, headaches, digestive problems, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, and a lack of empathy or indifference toward the person you’re caring for.

This is where I am right now. Indifference. I love my father dearly and want very much to participate in his care. But how do I get from indifference back to where I genuinely want to help him?

The short answer is self-care and boundaries.

Mitigating Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue

After reading up about CF on the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project and other websites and watching some videos (see one below) on the topic, it seems I am severely behind the ball. I should have been proactively participating in daily/regular rejuvenation practices (like self-care) to help alleviate CF symptoms.

But like I said at the beginning – who knew that this was even a thing? I sure didn’t. But now I do. And so do you.

Feature image by Shane on Unsplash.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

Anxiety Sufferers – KNOW THYSELF!

Liana

My journey with anxiety disorder has been a long one. The first anxiety attack (I can remember) occurred when I was around age 10. I woke up in the pre-dawn hours scared out of my wits. Pounding heart, sweaty palms, and rapid breathing through clenched teeth. I crept through the quiet house, opened the front door and sat on the step where I waited for these odd, scary-as-shit symptoms to abate – some very long minutes later.

I assumed it was a nightmare.

While on a school trip in grade eleven, the same thing happened after just having fallen asleep. In a panic, I went to my teacher’s room, explained what was happening and pleaded for help. This time, it wasn’t mere minutes before the symptoms abated, this time it was four long hours. To his credit, my teacher held my hand the entire time – wondering aloud with me, calming me, supporting me.

The entire eleventh grade assumed I was high or drunk.

It wasn’t until years later, after dozens of similarly terrifying episodes, that I learned I had anxiety disorder – a diagnosis that came at the same time as my chronic depression.

I was so relieved to know that I wasn’t going crazy! All those years I had battled the invisible yet oh-so-visceral imaginary demons on my own. Now, the demons had a name and finally, I would get help.

Help for bothanxiety and depression in the form of a tiny pill, talk-therapy (CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and over the long haul, acute self-awareness. And this is the key to continued healing. KNOW THYSELF! Learn to recognize the signs indicative of a depression downturn. Know when your otherwise managed anxiety is evolving – changing its demon mask, sneaking up on you in a different form (different symptoms). SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY! And whatever you do, do NOT let the demons win!

We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

 

Depression, Mental Health

With chronic #depression, you gotta keep trying

Liana

So yah, I’ve got chronic depression. Have had for almost 20 years (diagnosed). It truly sucks! Motivation is impossible! Trying to do any one thing when you’re depressed is near impossible, when depression is at its worst. How to describe it to a “normal” person: It’s like you’re trying to exist with a really heavy blanket wrapped around you. Not just draped over your shoulders, either. This heavy blanket is wrapped around your head, your arms, legs, torso. It has such a tight grip that moving (that’s the motivation part) is near impossible.

The thing is – and every depressive knows this – when you do manage to move (in a meaningful way; not just rolling over in bed, or getting up to go to the bathroom), the heavy blanket loosens ever so slightly. Enough to move some more? If you’re lucky… or maybe if the sun is shining that day. The more you move, the more gaps you can tease out of the blanket. It’s still there – boy, is it ever! But there’s some wiggle room.

And that’s when I walk my dog. Up until then, I’m practicing the art of convincing myself – talking myself into something I don’t really want to do (motivation’s a fucker, remember?).

I should walk the dog.

The dog really needs a walk.

I need to get up off my ass and walk the dog!

You’ll feel so much better after you walk the dog.

Sometimes I win this thought-battle, sometimes not. Sometimes the walk even motivates more activity. And sometimes, it’s about the only thing I can manage before collapsing under the weight of the blanket again.

They call is chronic depression because it’s persistent. It’s always there, to one degree or another. You just gotta keep trying!