Category: Mental Health

Mental Health

Managing Mental Illness – Will I ever truly be well?

Liana

Mental illness is a shit-show. To combat it, one must always be on the look out, watching for signs and symptoms of recurrence. When detected, one must pull out the big guns, as it were – the weapons of learned coping skills , methodologies, medications, and support team – with the constant hope that thusly armed, the event will pass with minimal damage left in its wake.

Grateful as I always am when the event does pass, I am often left wondering. Will I ever truly be well? Or, is this how things will be for the rest of my life?

I’ve been asking this last question for over two decades and counting and, as much as I want to believe that the last event was THE last event, so far, it has not been so.

Mental illness is real. It’s not imagined. It’s not something one can simply will away. I know. I tried – twenty years ago before I took my first antidepressant. The shame I felt then… the defeat… when swallowing that first pill. If someone had told me twenty years ago that I’d be sitting here today, on guard, constantly at-the-ready to fight this ongoing fight, I wonder what I would have said – or done?

I’ve had many ups and downs over the years. I hit rock bottom in 2012 when I came close to suicide. That’s how far and deep I’d fallen. It was the hardest fight of my life, getting out of that hole. But I did it – and I’m grateful every day that I’m still alive to tell about it. And, while seven years have passed since that dark day, I’m still fighting – like today’s seemingly for-no-reason symptoms of anxiety sneaking up on my psyche, ready to pounce.

Out comes the weaponry. I’m always on alert, remember?

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I will battle mental illness until the day I die. I will have to be vigilant. Because, the truth is, wellness ebbs and flows – a recovery/remission/recurrence, as it were. I must practice my skills while I am well so that they are well oiled and ready for battle when the next one comes. As I’m sure it will.

If you are reading this and you need support, please reach out. Get help! Don’t wait to hit rock bottom. Do it now. I’ve provided some links below.

CAMH
Crisis Services Canada
US Suicide Prevention Lifeline
healthyplace.com

Cannabis, Mental Health

Misleading Headlines About Cannabis – Do Your Due Diligence

Liana

I think we can all agree that controlled, scientific studies on the (medical) benefits of Cannabis are sorely lacking. With its popularity surging globally and people demanding/clambering for legalization, no doubt these studies will be forthcoming in the very near future.

Having said that, patient-based information collected through user-tracking apps like Strainprint and websites like Leafly and Lift&Co, paint a very real picture of the myriad health benefits of marijuana. The sheer volume of empirical data stating marijuana’s benefits can no longer be ignored. Controlled study or not, the people have spoken! Whether it be as a treatment to curb symptoms (e.g. pain from inflammation), or a treatment of the condition itself (e.g. reducing the inflammation), cannabis is helping numerous people.

Yesterday evening I saw an article that both angered and stupified me, entitled: Medicinal cannabis does NOT help treat depression, anxiety or ADHD, reveals a review of 83 scientific studies. That’s a pretty bold headline! The first thing I did was check who published the article; it was from a UK tabloid-style newspaper known for its lack of credibility. Still, it quoted a credible source (The Lancet Psychiatry), so I checked that too. They essentially examined studies spanning 30 years, with a ridiculously low combined subject count of between 3K-4K, on depression, anxiety, ADHD, Tourette syndrome, and PTSD. One study had as few as 10 participants! Not only did their report NOT say what the tabloid headline so recklessly stated, but it concluded the following:

There remains insufficient evidence to provide guidance on the use of cannabinoids for treating mental disorders within a regulatory framework. Further high-quality studies directly examining the effect of cannabinoids on treating mental disorders are needed.

The Lancet psychiatry: Cannabinoids for the treatment of mental disorders and symptoms of mental disorders: a systematic review and meta-analysis

Regardless of the irresponsible tabloid headline, The Lancet themselves have made some astonishing proclamations stating, “We found little evidence for the effectiveness of pharmaceutical CBD or medicinal cannabis”. They found little evidence because there is little evidence to be found. There are not enough studies! I find their conclusions astoundingly irresponsible! Controlled studies based on today’s science are in their infancy. They need to seek out real-time patient-based data, then conclude. They need to do better!

See more of my posts here.

Mental Health

It’s International Mental Health Day #InternationalMentalHealthDay

Liana

October 10th is International Mental Health Day, first marked in 1992 as part of an initiative of the World Federation for Mental Health.

I suffer from mental illness and have done, since I was a child of ten. Sadly, mental illness effects millions of people around the world, indiscriminately. The odds are that someone in your circle-of-influence is suffering, often times in silence.

Days like today, International Mental Health Day, Bell Let’s Talk Day, etc., shine a light on this global epidemic, providing much needed information to sufferers, family and friends, support workers, medical practitioners, remedy practitioners, clergy, businesses, and so on. It helps remind us all that mental health is a serious illness that should not be discounted and that the people who suffer from mental illness should not be judged. Every year on this day, we are reminded that the word is getting out, that help is available, and most importantly, that we are not alone.

Every day I feel intense gratitude for the many people who support me – both present, and past. At the top of that list is my husband of 36 years. His unwavering love for me acts as a ladder that helps me climb up and out from what are sometimes the depths of despair. His calm, rational words remind me to check my mental health gauges and seek medical attention when he sees that I am slipping. His sense of humour helps bouy me above dark waters. Thank you!

If you are reading this and you need support, please reach out. Get help! Don’t wait for the next special day of recognition. Do it now. I’ve provided some links below.

CAMH
Crisis Services Canada
US Suicide Prevention Lifeline
healthyplace.com

Anxiety, Cannabis, Depression, Mental Health

How to get a medical cannabis prescription in Canada (when your doctor won’t discuss it).

Liana

Medical cannabis has been legal in Canada since 2001 for serious conditions like HIV/AIDS and cancer, with less than 100 clients registered. This number grew to over 37,000 by 2013 and, according to data collected by Health Canada under the Cannabis Tracking System Ministerial Order, there were more than 360,000 client registrations by the end of June 2019.

I am one of those registered clients and, while there is more and more information available, and the process to acquire a medical marijuana prescription is getting easier, it can still be daunting and the process difficult to navigate.

My physician wanted nothing to do with prescribing medical cannabis.

If you’ve read any of my blogs you’ll know that I use medical cannabis as a (added) treatment for chronic depression and anxiety. After almost 20 years of relying solely on pharmaceuticals, with frequent bouts of acute depression (major depressive episodes) and anxiety, I broached the subject of medical marijuana with my physician. She wanted nothing to do with prescribing medical cannabis for me, nor did she direct me in any way. I tried to discuss it with her again as an alternative treatment to help combat my persistent and fluctuating symptoms, until I was eventually told that my clinic doesn’t affiliate with any cannabis clinics.

If I wanted weed for medical purposes, I was on my own.

Thus began my journey, the best bits of which I will share with you in the hopes that you can pursue and advocate for your own care using cannabis rather than wasting time with your reluctant physician.

It takes approximately 10 days to complete the medical cannabis registration process.

In order to get cannabis for medical reasons you’ll need a prescription. To get a prescription, you’ll need a medical professional to write the prescription – it does NOT have to be your current physician nor do they have to refer you. You can register directly with a licensed medical cannabis producer (LP) or with any one of the many online (I use the Lyte Clinic) and brick-and-mortar clinics that can service your needs. You may need some sort of documentation to substantiate your request for medical cannabis.

For instance, I first registered directly with a licensed medical cannabis producer who required a medical document substantiating my request for medical marijuana to help with depression and anxiety. I used a list of the medications I had been taking over the last 6 months, as provided by my pharmacist. The Lyte Clinic didn’t require any medical documentation.

With both of these registration scenarios, they will handle connecting you with a medical practitioner who will assess your needs – either by phone, video, or in-person (if available) depending on what you prefer – make a recommendation and write the prescription. Then, they register your prescription with Health Canada. When completed, they inform you and you’re basically ready to start shopping. It takes approximately 10 days from the time you register for medical cannabis to being ready to shop for products.

Where cannabis clinics provide added value.

After getting my prescription directly from the LP, I started to shop for product on their site. I quickly realized that they didn’t have everything I wanted. The current state of LPs is such that they don’t all produce everything. How could they? For example, Canna Farms has a broad variety of dried weed (flower) while Spectrum Therapeutics has a good selection of gelcaps. What I didn’t realize was that I could “split” my prescription between LPs. That is to say, I have one prescription from Health Canada’s perspective, but it is “split” so I can shop from multiple producers within my prescription limit .

This is where the clinic came into play. Though I was registered with one LP, I decided to also register with a clinic. While I don’t know if all clinics do this, the Lyte Clinic provided me with the (recommended) option of working with a cannabis educator (through either video or audio chat) – which was invaluable to me. I requested a 50+ year-old (menopausal) female who had experience with mental illness. Not only could the woman they assigned me completely relate to my issues, but she was able to advise me on what LPs I could use to achieve my objectives. By the end of our conversation, I split my prescription between 4 LPs and Lyte handled all the details – including informing Health Canada. I waited for notification that the “paperwork” was done and I was ready to shop.

Cannabis prescription basics.

  • Your first prescription will likely be valid for only 3-4 month.
  • Your clinic and/or LP will notify you when your prescription renewal is due.
    • You may/may not have to provide medical substantiation again.
  • Your renewal(s) will likely be valid for a longer periods of time, e.g. 6 months then 12 months.

I truly hope this information has been beneficial to you. I’ve included some links below that you might also find useful.

Lyte Clinic
Strainprint
Leafly
Lift&Co

See more of my posts here.

Anxiety, Mental Health

Triggered Anxiety – close your eyes, breathe, and be mindful of what you CAN control

Liana

I’m going about my day; cleaning house, listening to a podcast, talking to the dogs, when hubby brings in the mail. First thing I see, a letter from Service Canada denying my EI claim.

BAM!!! TRIGGER!! ANXIETY HITS THE CEILING! Heart thudding, feel like vomiting, I want to RUN!

WTF? I say to myself. I’m supposed to be over these trigger spikes by now, or at least, I should be able to handle them better. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! (That’s me screaming in my head).

Back-story: In early 2018, I was on leave for 3 months (for mental illness) after which, having been denied long-term disability, I/we severed my employment. I’ve been in treatment/recovery since then.

I have now applied for and been denied Employment Insurance because I didn’t claim it last year when I was severed. When you’re in a state of acute mental illness (embedded in you’re chronic mental illness), the fine print on just about everything in your life is far too overwhelming to comprehend, let alone the nuances of paperwork, procedure, and the like. In all honesty, I thought I did comprehend – turns out I didn’t.

And now, my claim is denied and I have to appeal and go through all this red tape – all of which is done online or through snail-mail or through some nasty woman at the EI office who tells me I’ve f’d up!

I have to calm down.

I begin practicing mindfulness – to be in the moment. I’ve closed my eyes. I’m breathing slowly, deeply. I’m in a comfortable leather desk chair. The window is open and there is a pleasant, humidity-less breeze. I hear cars, some birds. I’m thinking about what I CAN control versus what I canNOT control.

CAN: While I have to take the next dreaded step in the EI process, I can control when I do so. Not today. When I’m in a better state of mind.

CANNOT: I can’t control how long it will take or what they will say.

The anxiety spike has abated though I still feel trembly inside. I feel as though I’ve made very little progress towards controlling my trigger spikes while in truth, a year ago, this sort of thing would have had me in tears, literally vomiting, then hiding under my covers in bed. (Add this to my gratitude journal).

Practicing mindfulness is tough when you’re in the thick of it, whatever your “it” may be. Progress can be slow, but, it is a very useful tool in the mental health toolbox.

Cannabis, Depression, Mental Health

Feeling Hopeless – the cruelty of depression

Liana

I hadn’t experienced feeling hopeless in years. Not since 2011. That’s a long time, successfully keeping my head above water – sometimes floating calmly, other times, flapping about madly – all in an attempt to stay afloat and keep depression away.

And yet.

Despite best efforts, doing my mental-wellness “homework”, as I call it, depression took hold – again! – and dragged me down to the point of hopelessness. I was flabbergasted. What, again?? No. It couldn’t possibly… Yet there I was – sad, defeated, tired, broken.

The pragmatic, logical side of me knew that I wasn’t hopeless. But, somewhere in the depressed mind, reality and logic simply don’t connect.

From hopelessness, I fell a little further into feeling as though I had no value. None, whatsoever. I knew that I was a good: wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, friend, pet-mom, etc., but my brain chemistry changed how I perceived the value of these roles.

That’s one of depression’s cruelest tricks – it robs you of your ability to feel the good while simultaneously amplifying the bad.

Despite every instinct that just wanted to lay on the couch, do nothing, and be okay with doing nothing, I knew that there was very little room between where I was and rock bottom. I’d stared suicide in the face eight years ago, I wasn’t about to go there again.

It took every micro ounce of energy I had to do what I had to do – talk therapy, discussions with my cannabis educators (with tweaks to timing and dosage), and visits to my doctor – before the fog finally lifted. When you’re in it, the journey seems impossible! There’s no WAY I’m going to feel better! And yet – I do.

On June 6th I wrote about how depression knocked me on my ass. Today is August 6th – and I finally feel better. I can breathe. I feel hopeful. I know that I provide tremendous value to the people in my life. To that end, I continue to work with my therapist, cannabis educators, and my doctor, to proactively equip myself with the tools I need to stay well. Fingers crossed, it’ll be years before I feel this poorly again – hell, I’m shooting for never feeling that way again.

One can hope.

______________

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, there are many resources out there that can help. Ask for help. Seek medical attention. Visit one of the links below.

CAMH – The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
CASP – Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention

See more of my posts here.

Depression, Mental Health

#Depression knocks me on my ass!

Liana

It still surprises me that after all these years battling depression, it can still knock me on my ass! It’s frustrating and exhausting. But, it shouldn’t be surprising. Not really. Dealing with depression symptoms – something I’ve done for almost 20 years – is like playing the same crappy computer game over and over, and there are bugs in the program that put you in a seemingly endless loop.

In the grand scheme of things, my depression is managed. It never goes away, though. Symptoms come and go on the regular; some times they’re worse than other times – like now. I’ve spent the day doing practically nothing save for plenty of negative self-talk:

“You’re a fake!”

“You’re lazy!”

“Just get UP and DO some-thing… ANY-thing!”

“Stop staring at nothing!”

“You should go for a walk.”

“You should be grateful for your life!”

… and so on.

Worse yet, I hear my negative self-talk, know what it is and have coping skills to deal with it – but I don’t use them. I mean, what IS that? THAT, is a symptom of the depression. When you know all the things that help to alleviate it but you can’t bring yourself to do them!

This isn’t one of those blog post that will have a meaningful conclusion other than to perhaps say – “Hey, it’s okay to have these bad days. If this is all you can manage, then this is all you can manage and it’s okay. You have an illness and sometimes it’s hard to get through the day. Let go of your guilt. Tomorrow is a new day.”

Wait – I guess that was the meaningful conclusion. And if you’re still reading this, know – like I do – that you’re not alone.

Cannabis, Mental Health

The Benefit of Having Local Cannabis Shops – More Than Just Recreational

Liana

April 1st marked the day when several privately owned/operated #Cannabis shops opened in Ontario; three in Ottawa, two in Kingston, and one each in Toronto, Brampton (where I live), Burlington, London, and St. Catharines. And, guess what..?

… the sky isn’t falling!

I’m fully aware that the local shops are mainly for recreational users. Cannabis is legal after all so we no longer need to hide our use in shame. But, few people seem to understand how beneficial the retail shops are for medical cannabis users, like me.

For medical cannabis users, it’s not about getting high – well, it’s not often about getting high. Rather, it’s about using cannabis to ease/eliminate the symptoms of what ails us. However, the nature of cannabis is such that there is a lot of trial and error before finding the exact right match as, not all cannabis is the same nor does it react the same on different people. Cannabis research is growing exponentially now so I have no doubt that eventually we will be able to access information that tells us what is best for our symptoms. Until then, we have limited resources at our disposal. We rely on expert knowledge in the growing field of cannabis medical practitioners to guide us – often times NOT our own doctors as they are just learning themselves, and on gathering our own information by using websites like Leafly.ca, apps like @Strainprint (highly recommend both of these, by the way), and word-of-mouth.

Online LPs often have a minimum purchase requirement, e.g. 5 grams, for their products which may or may not work for the symptoms at hand. Until insurance companies begin to recognize and pay for cannabis as prescription medication, we pay for this out-of-pocket, unsure if what we have chosen will help. The benefit of having local cannabis shops is that we can now go to the retail store and buy small amounts of a variety of strains to test the ones that are most effective for our particular needs.

To those who are scared about local cannabis shops – please do your research. Visit one of the LPs to see for yourself how secure they are. Talk to people in the shop – I assure you most are no different from the person standing in line next to you at the local liquor store (recreational) or at the pharmacy (medical). I had young children myself too and the truth of it is, if young people are intent on acquiring liquor or cannabis, they will not be going to the legal shops to get it.

See more of my posts here.

Cannabis, Mental Health

Finding Gratitude: First Grandchild, Legalized Cannabis and Semi-Retirement Versus Job Loss, Mental illness and Compassion Fatigue

Liana

There was a time, back when my kids were young and we celebrated New Year’s Eve at home with friends and family, when – some minutes before midnight, after reminiscing about the year’s events with gratitude, we’d set a fire in a large barrel in the backyard and BURN shit! Old calendars, bras, photos of our X’s… whatever it was that we wanted to physically and emotionally eradicate. Then, at the stroke of midnight, we’d raise our glasses to ring in the new year, then ponder and commit to great things for the future. It was therapeutic – bye-bye old year with its trials and heartache, hello new year, full of promise and wonder.

I can’t remember where the idea to do this came from (my has-a-penchance-for-pyrotechnics Hubby) or why it waned (we moved and no longer lived on a ravine) but, I miss it.

Consider this blog post the reminisce/eradicate/commit ceremony of 2018.

Top 3 things I am grateful for from 2018 (besides Hubby, Kids, Fam and Besties who are always at the very top of the gratitude list) :

Right out of the gate – the birth of my first grandchild. While technically he was born December 28th the prior year, I am grateful for the many wonder-filled hours I’ve spent with him throughout 2018. Truth is, I smile the entire time I’m with him! He’s a delightfully heady elixir to what ails me – mind and body.

Next, I’m very grateful that cannabis was legalized in Canada. While I had been experimenting with cannabis prior to legalization – both as an alternative to pharmaceuticals for my depression and anxiety, and recreationally as an alternative to alcohol – I am delighted that I no longer have to hide it. I can partake openly and continue to benefit from its healing properties.

Lastly, I’m grateful for the abundance of time to myself this year – having started semi-retirement rather unexpectedly. With this time, I was able to help care for my elderly father during an acute illness that lasted several months. I’ve also read almost two dozen books, have taken an interest in indoor gardening, and have started crocheting again.

Top 3 things I’m tossing into the barrel fire (metaphorically speaking) :

Right out of the gate – job loss. After twenty years, my old employer and I parted ways. I call it involuntary semi-retirement, though technically I did have a choice. Let’s just say that tossing it into the fire speaks for itself.

Next, my mental illness definitely spiked this year – specifically, my anxiety. While depression too has been its usual burden, my anxiety took me to new and rather horrible places. Glad to give it the old heave-ho into the fire too.

Lastly, and connected to my father’s illness; navigating his hospital stay, home care, appointments, and dealing with governing bodies on his behalf, left me with a bad case of compassion fatigue. The fire gets this one too.

Pondering the new year :

I commit to being grateful.

That’s it. No lofty goals or resolutions for me. Just a commitment to be grateful.

I’m a firm believer that gratitude will open the door to all sorts of wonderment. And, while next year will undoubtedly have its burdens (fodder for another barrel fire), it will most certainly have many delights.

See more of my posts here.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

The holidays are hard – especially for those with #mentalillness

Liana

I come from a long line of people with mental illness. From OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) to schizophrenia to GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) to maybe even PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It stands to reason then, that some of this landed on me and even my kids.

If you’ve read one or two of my blogs, you know I suffer from Anxiety and Depression, both of which make enjoying the holidays very challenging.

I live in Southern Ontario, near Toronto, where this time of year can be very, very bleak – weather-wise. Yes, we’ve made it through the shortest day of the year (Dec 21) and are on the slow journey to spring, but add the holidays to that – with all the (sometimes) harrowing acts of buying and wrapping gifts, the well-intentioned visits, the obligations of faith, and the – let’s face it – unreasonable expectation to have fun and be joyful – and it can be a veritable vortex sucking you down into a pit of woe.

I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you’re overwhelmed… or even underwhelmed for that matter.

The holidays are hard enough for normal people but even harder for those having to deal with #mentalillness. Sometimes, we just want to crawl (or stay) under the covers and not have to fight the (bad) fight. Sometimes, we just want to cry, or scream, or just sit quietly without having to explain why.

To all those suffering, like me, know this. You are not alone. Know that the holidays are finite and soon you’ll be on the other side. If you can, reach out to someone – a friend or family member, a pastor, a coworker, or even someone on social media.

And, from me to you – may your heart and mind be chaos free and may you feel some peace. Joy and merriment too, if you can manage it. But mostly, I wish you peace.