Tag: Anxiety

Anxiety, Mental Health

Triggered Anxiety – close your eyes, breathe, and be mindful of what you CAN control

Liana

I’m going about my day; cleaning house, listening to a podcast, talking to the dogs, when hubby brings in the mail. First thing I see, a letter from Service Canada denying my EI claim.

BAM!!! TRIGGER!! ANXIETY HITS THE CEILING! Heart thudding, feel like vomiting, I want to RUN!

WTF? I say to myself. I’m supposed to be over these trigger spikes by now, or at least, I should be able to handle them better. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! (That’s me screaming in my head).

Back-story: In early 2018, I was on leave for 3 months (for mental illness) after which, having been denied long-term disability, I/we severed my employment. I’ve been in treatment/recovery since then.

I have now applied for and been denied Employment Insurance because I didn’t claim it last year when I was severed. When you’re in a state of acute mental illness (embedded in you’re chronic mental illness), the fine print on just about everything in your life is far too overwhelming to comprehend, let alone the nuances of paperwork, procedure, and the like. In all honesty, I thought I did comprehend – turns out I didn’t.

And now, my claim is denied and I have to appeal and go through all this red tape – all of which is done online or through snail-mail or through some nasty woman at the EI office who tells me I’ve f’d up!

I have to calm down.

I begin practicing mindfulness – to be in the moment. I’ve closed my eyes. I’m breathing slowly, deeply. I’m in a comfortable leather desk chair. The window is open and there is a pleasant, humidity-less breeze. I hear cars, some birds. I’m thinking about what I CAN control versus what I canNOT control.

CAN: While I have to take the next dreaded step in the EI process, I can control when I do so. Not today. When I’m in a better state of mind.

CANNOT: I can’t control how long it will take or what they will say.

The anxiety spike has abated though I still feel trembly inside. I feel as though I’ve made very little progress towards controlling my trigger spikes while in truth, a year ago, this sort of thing would have had me in tears, literally vomiting, then hiding under my covers in bed. (Add this to my gratitude journal).

Practicing mindfulness is tough when you’re in the thick of it, whatever your “it” may be. Progress can be slow, but, it is a very useful tool in the mental health toolbox.

Cannabis, Mental Health

Finding Gratitude: First Grandchild, Legalized Cannabis and Semi-Retirement Versus Job Loss, Mental illness and Compassion Fatigue

Liana

There was a time, back when my kids were young and we celebrated New Year’s Eve at home with friends and family, when – some minutes before midnight, after reminiscing about the year’s events with gratitude, we’d set a fire in a large barrel in the backyard and BURN shit! Old calendars, bras, photos of our X’s… whatever it was that we wanted to physically and emotionally eradicate. Then, at the stroke of midnight, we’d raise our glasses to ring in the new year, then ponder and commit to great things for the future. It was therapeutic – bye-bye old year with its trials and heartache, hello new year, full of promise and wonder.

I can’t remember where the idea to do this came from (my has-a-penchance-for-pyrotechnics Hubby) or why it waned (we moved and no longer lived on a ravine) but, I miss it.

Consider this blog post the reminisce/eradicate/commit ceremony of 2018.

Top 3 things I am grateful for from 2018 (besides Hubby, Kids, Fam and Besties who are always at the very top of the gratitude list) :

Right out of the gate – the birth of my first grandchild. While technically he was born December 28th the prior year, I am grateful for the many wonder-filled hours I’ve spent with him throughout 2018. Truth is, I smile the entire time I’m with him! He’s a delightfully heady elixir to what ails me – mind and body.

Next, I’m very grateful that cannabis was legalized in Canada. While I had been experimenting with cannabis prior to legalization – both as an alternative to pharmaceuticals for my depression and anxiety, and recreationally as an alternative to alcohol – I am delighted that I no longer have to hide it. I can partake openly and continue to benefit from its healing properties.

Lastly, I’m grateful for the abundance of time to myself this year – having started semi-retirement rather unexpectedly. With this time, I was able to help care for my elderly father during an acute illness that lasted several months. I’ve also read almost two dozen books, have taken an interest in indoor gardening, and have started crocheting again.

Top 3 things I’m tossing into the barrel fire (metaphorically speaking) :

Right out of the gate – job loss. After twenty years, my old employer and I parted ways. I call it involuntary semi-retirement, though technically I did have a choice. Let’s just say that tossing it into the fire speaks for itself.

Next, my mental illness definitely spiked this year – specifically, my anxiety. While depression too has been its usual burden, my anxiety took me to new and rather horrible places. Glad to give it the old heave-ho into the fire too.

Lastly, and connected to my father’s illness; navigating his hospital stay, home care, appointments, and dealing with governing bodies on his behalf, left me with a bad case of compassion fatigue. The fire gets this one too.

Pondering the new year :

I commit to being grateful.

That’s it. No lofty goals or resolutions for me. Just a commitment to be grateful.

I’m a firm believer that gratitude will open the door to all sorts of wonderment. And, while next year will undoubtedly have its burdens (fodder for another barrel fire), it will most certainly have many delights.

See more of my posts here.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

The holidays are hard – especially for those with #mentalillness

Liana

I come from a long line of people with mental illness. From OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) to schizophrenia to GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) to maybe even PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It stands to reason then, that some of this landed on me and even my kids.

If you’ve read one or two of my blogs, you know I suffer from Anxiety and Depression, both of which make enjoying the holidays very challenging.

I live in Southern Ontario, near Toronto, where this time of year can be very, very bleak – weather-wise. Yes, we’ve made it through the shortest day of the year (Dec 21) and are on the slow journey to spring, but add the holidays to that – with all the (sometimes) harrowing acts of buying and wrapping gifts, the well-intentioned visits, the obligations of faith, and the – let’s face it – unreasonable expectation to have fun and be joyful – and it can be a veritable vortex sucking you down into a pit of woe.

I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you’re overwhelmed… or even underwhelmed for that matter.

The holidays are hard enough for normal people but even harder for those having to deal with #mentalillness. Sometimes, we just want to crawl (or stay) under the covers and not have to fight the (bad) fight. Sometimes, we just want to cry, or scream, or just sit quietly without having to explain why.

To all those suffering, like me, know this. You are not alone. Know that the holidays are finite and soon you’ll be on the other side. If you can, reach out to someone – a friend or family member, a pastor, a coworker, or even someone on social media.

And, from me to you – may your heart and mind be chaos free and may you feel some peace. Joy and merriment too, if you can manage it. But mostly, I wish you peace.

Anxiety, Cannabis, Depression, Mental Health

#Cannabis is legal in Canada P3 – Marrying tried-and-true with the new when managing #mentalillness

Liana

In a recent post, I wrote about the adverse side effects I’d had to a pharma-based switch in my medication, prescribed to help with my evolving anxiety – which it did do. To counteract the side effects, my doctor prescribed more pharma meds. I disagreed and went back to my old medication.

My decision to go back to my old meds was a good one as the side effects essentially disappeared. Unfortunately though, the anxiety reappeared, rearing its ugly, pernicious head.

#Cannabis has helped! Indeed, vaping cannabis for breakthrough anxiety (like breakthrough pain but with anxiety) helps (me) a great deal. So, when my trusty vaporizer went on the fritz two weeks ago, away went my ability to self-treat. It was more than a little unsettling.

Immediately, I decided to invest in a backup vaporizer. Cyber-Monday sales helped with this, but the ongoing Canada Post strike meant it would be a few days before I would receive the product. So, I pulled out the proverbial CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) handbook and got busy practicing my coping techniques.

I learned two things. First, using cannabis to manage my breakthrough anxiety works lickety-split! Within minutes of vaping, I’m calm and feeling pleasant. Second, CBT does help (me). It is exhausting, requires a lot of motivation (hard for a chronic depressive like me), and takes time to be effective – depending on the breakthrough anxiety of the moment. Still, it helped me through a few rough patches.

Anxiety and depression are ongoing, (sometimes) lifelong struggles. Use ALL the tools at your disposal; both the tried-and-true (medication, CBT, etc.) and the new (cannabis, etc.). If one of the tools in your toolbox goes on the fritz, reach in and grab another one. As I’ve said in prior posts – when it comes to managing (your) #mentalillness, you gotta do the homework! Know thyself. Participate in your own healing. Nobody else can do it for you.

Anxiety, Cannabis, Depression, Menopause, Mental Health, Women's Health

Can Cannabis Help with My Mental illness?

Liana

So cannabis is finally legal in Canada. YAY! October 17th was a big day for us – as a forward-thinking nation, of course – but also for many of us with mental illness looking to either subsidize our pharma products with cannabis, or replace them altogether.

My doctor wasn’t ready to make that assertion nor was she ready to refer me to someone who would. Thusly, I took the matter into my own hands, doing my own research on cannabis as a treatment option for people with mental illness. And to be completely honest, legalization notwithstanding, I have been experimenting with various strains of cannabis and documenting my experiences.

If you’ve read a few of my blogs you’ll know that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2000, but have memories of dealing with anxiety and panic from around the time I entered puberty. Since 2000, I have been on two different prescriptions – both SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), both effective for a time. I consider myself one of the lucky ones – I’ve only had to use two… some sufferers are on veritable cocktails of pharma medications.

Since the onset of perimenopause three years ago, I’ve been all over the map with my symptoms. Most recently (the past 9 months), I have really been struggling with anxiety to the point where for the third time since 2000, I was put on a new medication – this time, an SNRI (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors). (As an aside, I was also diagnosed with pre-hypertension and prescribed a low-dose medication for it). While this new SNRI medication has helped a great deal with the anxiety, it has caused two notable side effects; brain-zaps and exacerbated tinnitus (ringing/whooshing in the ears – which I’ve had my whole life but would only hear if it was either very quiet, or after being subjected to very loud noise e.g. a concert). The tinnitus is now loud and constant and the brain-zaps are happening several times a day (where before they would happen maybe once a month). NOT GOOD! Also noticed but unconfirmed by my doctor as being related (though I believe it is), my blood pressure is even higher despite the medication that was supposed to help lower it! Both tinnitus and hypertension (high blood pressure) are listed as possible side-effects of SRNIs.

My fear when changing medications again was that I would be faced with the very thing that has happened – side-effects that require further exploration (referral to an ENT (Ear/Nose/Throat) doctor – which could take months – to ensure there is nothing mechanically wrong with my ears) and even worse, more medications – I was told to double the hypertension medication! Neither of these will help the brain-zaps at all.

And so, I’ve come full circle back to the question – might cannabis help me with my mental illness? This last doctor’s visit has solidified my resolve to continue my exploration with cannabis to treat my anxiety (as a first step). Against my doctor’s recommendation, I am going to ween myself off the SNRIs and back onto the SSRIs (my baseline, before side effects). I am not willing to wait for an ENT to tell me that yes, I have tinnitus and no, there is nothing mechanical going on.  I do NOT want to double the hypertension medication that was supposed to reduce my high blood pressure.

It is my long-range goal/hope that maybe I can ween myself off of all of it. That’s lofty given the last time I went off my medications without a doctor’s supervision I ended up in a deep depression that lasted months. Then again – cannabis wasn’t really an option then. It is now. And the best part is that, since legalization, I can now do it out in the open without having to suffer the villainization that cannabis has suffered in the past.

If you are looking to start your exploration into cannabis, try the Strainprint app. I have found it an invaluable source for researching ailments, symptoms and strains, as well as tracking my sessions with cannabis. Strainprint is available in the Google Playstore as well as the App Store. Thank you Humble & Fred Radio for recommending this app and for all the great cannabis-related content you’ve provided.

Anxiety, Cannabis, Depression, Women's Health

Cannabis Is Legal in Canada – Might It Help Me With My Mental Illness?

Liana

So cannabis is finally legal in Canada. YAY! October 17th was a big day for us – as a forward-thinking nation, of course – but also for many of us with mental illness looking to either subsidize our pharma products with cannabis or replace them altogether.

My doctor wasn’t ready to make that assertion, nor was she ready to refer me to someone who would. Thusly, I took the matter into my own hands, doing my own research on cannabis as a treatment option for people with mental illness. And to be completely honest, legalization notwithstanding, I have been experimenting with various strains of cannabis and documenting my experiences.

If you’ve read a few of my blogs, you’ll know that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2000, but have memories of dealing with anxiety and panic from around the time I entered puberty. Since 2000, I have been on two different prescriptions – both SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), both effective for a time. I consider myself one of the lucky ones – I’ve only had to use two… some sufferers are on veritable cocktails of pharma medications.

Since the onset of peri-menopause three years ago, I’ve been all over the map with my symptoms. Most recently (the past 9 months), I have really been struggling with anxiety to the point where for the third time since 2000, I was put on a new medication – this time, an SNRI (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors). (As an aside, I was also diagnosed with pre-hypertension and prescribed a low-dose medication for it). While this new SNRI medication has helped a great deal with the anxiety, it has caused two notable side-effects; brain-zaps and exacerbated tinnitus (ringing/whooshing in the ears – which I’ve had my whole life but would only hear if it was either very quiet, or after being subjected to very loud noise e.g. a concert). The tinnitus is now loud and constant and the brain-zaps are happening several times a day (where before they would happen maybe once a month). NOT GOOD! Also noticed but unconfirmed by my doctor as being related (though I believe it is), my blood pressure is even higher despite the medication that was supposed to help lower it! Both tinnitus and hypertension (high blood pressure) are listed as possible side-effects of SRNIs.

My fear when changing medications again was that I would be faced with the very thing that has happened – side-effects that require further exploration (referral to an ENT (Ear/Nose/Throat) doctor – which could take months – to ensure there is nothing mechanically wrong with my ears) and even worse, more medications – I was told to double the hypertension medication! Neither of these will help the brain-zaps at all.

And so, I’ve come full circle back to the question – might cannabis help me with my mental illness? This last doctor’s visit has solidified my resolve to continue my exploration with cannabis to treat my anxiety (as a first step). Against my doctor’s recommendation, I am going to ween myself off the SNRIs and back onto the SSRIs (my baseline, before side-effects). I am not willing to wait for an ENT to tell me that yes, I have tinnitus and no, there is nothing mechanical going on.  I do NOT want to double the hypertension medication that was supposed to reduce my high blood pressure.

It is my long-range goal/hope that maybe I can ween myself off of all of it. That’s lofty given the last time I went off my medications without doctor’s supervision I ended up in a deep depression that lasted months. Then again – cannabis wasn’t really an option then. It is now. And the best part is that, since legalization, I can now do it out in the open without having to suffer the villainization that cannabis has suffered in the past.

If you are looking to start your exploration into cannabis, try the Strainprint app. I have found it an invaluable source for researching ailments, symptoms and strains, as well as tracking my sessions with cannabis. Strainprint is available in the Google Playstore as well as the App Store. Thank you Humble & Fred Radio for recommending this app and for all the great cannabis-related content you’ve provided.

Mental Health

It’s Mental Illness Awareness Week in Canada – Many Still Suffer in Silence

Liana
MHAW

The difference in awareness of mental illness now as compared to even three years ago is astounding. Social media helps a great deal in spreading awareness. I follow several mental health-related handles on Twitter, including CAMH, Elephant in the Room, and Mental Health Platform, to name a few. They have been and continue to be great sources of not only information but comfort as well.

Why comfort? Because there is nothing like knowing that you’re not alone – that others are suffering, just like you.

Many of us who suffer from mental illness suffer in silence.

I was no different. While I have been writing about mental illness for several years (though few people knew about it), taking the step to vocalizing it was a whole new nest of bees. Of course, I had told my immediate family and some very close friends, but I had never gone beyond that – specifically, I had never told a colleague.

Several years ago, one particular colleague and I struck up a rather good work friendship. We would bitch about, and purge our work-related woes to each other (as work friends often do), finding that we had a lot in common. I keenly recognized her to be a high-functioning depressive, like me. I had begun to trust her, but still, I just wasn’t sure how she would react and, even more concerning, if she would keep my confidence.

One day, while walking back from getting an afternoon coffee, and in reference to some of the things we had been discussing, I took a deep breath and calmly stated, “I suffer from chronic depression.” We stopped walking, and she looked at me. This was it: the moment of truth.

We stood for another ten minutes while I shared with her my history of mental illness, both depression, and anxiety. And then something remarkable happened. My work friend shared some of her journey too. Not as much as I had, but that was okay. It was a start.

When we got back to our desks, she thanked me for opening up to her. I took a big step that day, and in some small way, I believe I helped her. It made us closer, and while she has since gone her way and I’ve gone mine, I still think ever so fondly of her and that indelible moment.

It was a risk. I understood it then, and I understand it to this day. You have to read the situation and trust your gut. Since that day, I have shared my mental illness journey with quite a few people, and it becomes easier each time.

Let’s keep the conversation going!

Anxiety, Mental Health

Anxiety Disorder Is a Bitch!

Liana

When you don’t notice your anxiety, that’s how you know your anxiety is abating. Does that make sense?

To people with anxiety, I’m sure it does. To people wanting to know more about anxiety – it’s like this.

Anxiety disorder is a sneaky bitch and, in my experience, comes in three distinct forms.

In my recent post entitled Anxiety Sufferers – Know Thyself, I wrote about my journey with anxiety as it pertains to the come out of nowhere kind of anxiety. This is when your fight-or-flight brain chemistry kicks in for no damned good reason, and you’re left panting and sweating and breathing hard and essentially scared out of your wits.

The second kind is somewhat like the first type. You are in a constant state of unease – like waiting for the shoe to drop when there’s nothing really going on. You can’t relax. You’re angst-y and agitated, but you don’t know why.

The third kind is trigger-based. Easier to understand as it is associated with something that happens. Everybody has this, but for anxiety disorder sufferers, it is very pronounced.

Normal person: Crap! I can’t believe that happened.
Me: THE SKY IS FALLING!!

My recent struggles have been with these last two. Bouts of the sky is falling with general unease as the baseline. This, of course, is NOT okay, and so, following my adage of know thyself, I sought medical attention. And there’s no overnight remedy to this. These symptoms worsen over time, so, it takes time to encourage them to abate.

My doctor: So, how’s your anxiety?
Me: I haven’t noticed it!
My doctor and me together: THAT’S FANTASTIC!

This time, it’s taken seven months (from the tipping point) of doctor’s visits, therapy sessions, repeated exposure to positivity, (lots of) rest, and two drug modification to achieve this plateau. I’m grateful! And yet, the journey continues. Like I said, anxiety disorder is a bitch.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

Compassion Fatigue When Dealing With an Elderly Parent

Liana

I had never heard of compassion fatigue (CF). My therapist mentioned it to me as something from which I might be suffering taking care of my elderly father.

Giving Care to an Elderly Parent

Together with my three siblings, I look after my elderly father. My Mom passed away in 2016, and Dad is now on his own.

Dad is curmudgeonly by nature. Add to this his advanced age, loneliness, varied annoying health issues, and losing his driver’s license, and you get an angry man who regularly heaps toxic levels of negativity onto us – the people who love him the most.

We try our best – the four of us. Shuttling him here and there. Visiting and sharing a meal or a cup of tea. Walking with him around the mall and helping him buy a few groceries. He has a very small life, and so the physical demands on us are small too. But, psychologically? The effects are deep and draining.

Recognizing Compassion Fatigue

Eventually, CF leads to some significant symptoms, such as anxiety, headaches, digestive problems, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, and a lack of empathy or indifference toward the person you’re caring for.

This is where I am right now. Indifference. I love my father dearly and want very much to participate in his care. But how do I get from indifference back to where I genuinely want to help him?

The short answer is self-care and boundaries.

Mitigating Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue

After reading up about CF on the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project and other websites and watching some videos (see one below) on the topic, it seems I am severely behind the ball. I should have been proactively participating in daily/regular rejuvenation practices (like self-care) to help alleviate CF symptoms.

But like I said at the beginning – who knew that this was even a thing? I sure didn’t. But now I do. And so do you.

Feature image by Shane on Unsplash.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

Anxiety Sufferers – KNOW THYSELF!

Liana

My journey with anxiety disorder has been a long one. The first anxiety attack (I can remember) occurred when I was around age 10. I woke up in the pre-dawn hours scared out of my wits. Pounding heart, sweaty palms, and rapid breathing through clenched teeth. I crept through the quiet house, opened the front door and sat on the step where I waited for these odd, scary-as-shit symptoms to abate – some very long minutes later.

I assumed it was a nightmare.

While on a school trip in grade eleven, the same thing happened after just having fallen asleep. In a panic, I went to my teacher’s room, explained what was happening and pleaded for help. This time, it wasn’t mere minutes before the symptoms abated, this time it was four long hours. To his credit, my teacher held my hand the entire time – wondering aloud with me, calming me, supporting me.

The entire eleventh grade assumed I was high or drunk.

It wasn’t until years later, after dozens of similarly terrifying episodes, that I learned I had anxiety disorder – a diagnosis that came at the same time as my chronic depression.

I was so relieved to know that I wasn’t going crazy! All those years I had battled the invisible yet oh-so-visceral imaginary demons on my own. Now, the demons had a name and finally, I would get help.

Help for bothanxiety and depression in the form of a tiny pill, talk-therapy (CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and over the long haul, acute self-awareness. And this is the key to continued healing. KNOW THYSELF! Learn to recognize the signs indicative of a depression downturn. Know when your otherwise managed anxiety is evolving – changing its demon mask, sneaking up on you in a different form (different symptoms). SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY! And whatever you do, do NOT let the demons win!

We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.