Tag: Depression

Anxiety, Aphantasia, Intrusive thoughts

Intrusive Thoughts Without Imagery

Liana

Trigger Warning: This story contains content about suicide.

I suffer from mental illness, specifically depression, panic, and anxiety. All were well managed until the fall of 2021 when I experienced six weeks of the worst bout of acute panic and anxiety of my life. During this event, I also suffered from intrusive thoughts, which had never happened to me before. I was both surprised and terrified, as I didn’t think you could have intrusive thoughts without imagery. I was wrong.

How Can You Have Intrusive Thoughts Without Imagery?

Like myself, many people with aphantasia—the inability to visualize or create mental images—often get asked, “If you can’t visualize, how do you even think?” I was asked a similar question about having intrusive thoughts. “You have aphantasia, right? So how can you have intrusive thoughts without imagery?” It seems implausible to visualizers to have thoughts, intrusive or otherwise, without imagery.

Believe me, we can.

I was in bed sleeping. I awoke with a start, already in a state of panic. This is called nocturnal panic. As if the symptoms weren’t bad enough: racing heart, rapid breathing, trembling, chills, sweats, etc., the inevitable sense of doom one feels during a panic attack turned into a litany of intrusive thoughts tumbling out of my psyche.

“This is never going to end.”

“If this doesn’t end, will I hurt myself?”

“How will I hurt myself? Will I kill myself?”

“I could end it all, you know. Just get up, go to the bathroom, and swallow all the pills.”

“Why are my hands shaking? Am I going insane?”

“Is this what insane feels like?”

“They’re going to have me committed.”

“I’ve hurt my family enough.”

… and so on. There was no visual component to these thoughts. In fact, I was sinking into a pitch-black abyss, with no light and no sound—other than the thoughts in my head. Loud. Insistent. Brutal. Convincing. Terrifying.

Just like aphantasics have memories without imagery, so, too, do we have intrusive thoughts without imagery. For memories, my experience is one of feeling versus seeing. During recalled events, I may feel happy, sad, joyful, gleeful, annoyed, angry, depressed, silly, etc. These may be accompanied by somatic (of or relating to the body) responses: tears of joy, tears of sadness, clenched jaw, furrowed brow, increased heart rate, light-headedness, smiling, frowning, etc. 

An aphant can experience everything a visualizer can when it comes to memory recall. All that’s missing is the visual component. 

The same holds true for intrusive thoughts without imagery.

Remember, I had just been awakened by panic, so I was already suffering the human brain’s autonomic response to perceived danger: racing heart, rapid breathing, trembling, chills, sweats, etc. On top of that, I felt doubt, shame, terror, guilt, weakness, despondency, and defeat, along with every imaginable somatic sensation that goes with it, just as a visualizer might. All that was missing was the visual component.

You Don’t Need Imagery to Experience Suicidal Ideation or Intrusive Thoughts

After a long recovery that included medication and 18 months of therapy, and having experienced thoughts of suicide in 2012, I wanted to better understand what I had been through and how it was different from my past experience.

As I’ve come to understand it, when thinking about self-harm or suicide, it’s considered suicidal ideation. These thoughts are cognitive insomuch as you know you’re thinking about them. Intrusive thoughts are almost involuntary and, most certainly, irrational. Despite how much I wanted to live, to get back to a normal, panic- and anxiety-free life, my psyche had other ideas. Remember I mentioned thoughts that came tumbling out? My thoughts were rapid-fire, disjointed, comprehensible noise. 

“Is this what insane feels like?”

“Are they going to have me committed?”

These were very irrational thoughts.

Still, some of my intrusive thoughts had aspects of suicidal ideation, which can happen.

“How will I hurt myself? Will I kill myself?”

“I could end it all, you know. Just get up, go to the bathroom, and swallow all the pills.”

These thoughts were different from my experience in 2012. There was little to no cognition involved. Comprehension? Yes. Cognition? No. I understood what my thoughts were saying, but there was no forethought. 

Thanks to my ever-supportive husband, I was able to pull myself out of both the panic and the intrusive thoughts that night.

I later came to understand and appreciate that regardless of the fact that I had intrusive thoughts without imagery, they were equally disturbing and disruptive to my well-being and needed just as much attention in the way of mental illness support.

Thoughts About Aphantasia and Mental Illness

My experience with acute panic in 2021 left me in a fragile, traumatic state. The triggers were varied, whereby I relived the experience many times during months of recovery, somatically and, oftentimes, through auditory imagery.

There is no hard and fast rule nor indisputable evidence that states people with aphantasia can’t or don’t experience disruptive symptoms—like intrusive thoughts—associated with mental illness. One need only Google “aphantasia and PTSD” to see this. Scientific studies show mixed results. See Aphantasia and psychological disorder: Current connections, defining the imagery deficit and future directions and Fewer intrusive memories in aphantasia: using the trauma film paradigm as a laboratory model of PTSD as examples. There are also a myriad of personal accounts of people who experience flashbacks and flashforwards, sometimes with, sometimes without imagery. In this regard, I believe people with aphantasia are no different from visualizers. 

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If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please consult these Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources.

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Feature image by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels.com

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Panic Disorder, Random Ramblings, Women's Health

Exercising for Overall Health—Something I Never Thought I’d Write About

Liana

I don’t exercise to lose weight. In fact, any time I’ve exercised (or dieted) specifically with weight loss in mind, it was not sustainable. I’m at a point in my life where my physical health, and especially my mental health, are the most important. I exercise for overall health, and I’ve found that every little bit helps.

It’s Never Too Late to Begin Exercising

I subscribe to the HAES (healthy at every size) way of life. I try to eat intuitively, that is to say, when I’m actually hungry (listening to my body’s hunger and satiation cues) and not when I’m bored or stressed. And I exercise my body on purpose.

Now, you don’t know me, but for me to say that I exercise on purpose is huge!

My past work life in a corporate office was sedentary. Outside of that, I hustled during my commutes, and at home looking after a house, a marriage, and three growing kids. I was mostly exhausted.

I’ve never been athletic. I joined gyms and took yoga classes, played softball and bowled, but these activities waned. As such, the benefits were few, if any, and didn’t come close to outweighing the effort. Exercising in general was always a chore.

Until, that is, in August 2021 when I suffered acute, crippling panic and anxiety that lasted for months. I was very sick. Along with medication and psychotherapy, I adopted a daily set routine of waking up and going to bed at a certain time, and getting some form of exercise.

Micro-Improvements From Routine Exercise

I’ll admit that when I started exercising routinely, it was mainly as a mean of distraction. Those who have suffered mental illness know that a lot of time is spent inside your own head. Distraction is good.

I began by taking slow, short walks. Then, my walks got longer and I picked up my pace. On bad weather days, I decided to do gentle yoga, using YouTube for inspiration and guidance. When pandemic restrictions abated, I utilized my building’s fitness room and exercised on the elliptical machine. I alternated days, yoga one day, walking or doing the elliptical the next day.

Soon I began to notice micro-improvements in myself. My mental health improved because I was successfully distracting myself. Also, exercise produces endorphins and serotonin, the “feel good” chemicals.

The improvements to my physical health were harder to detect. They were slow and gradual. For instance, on the days I walk outside, while I used to walk 1 kilometre at a slow pace, I now walk 5–6 kilometres at a brisk pace. I have adapted several different yoga routines into one that I do regularly, adding and adjusting stretches as my body responds to my efforts. Also, while I started on the elliptical on level 1, huffing and puffing and cursing every minute of it, I am now on level 13, I feel great while I’m at it (pride, confidence, etc.), and I look forward to the sweat! This is something I never thought I’d say.

Final Thoughts on Exercising for Overall Health

I have a long way to go before I would call myself fit. Having said that, exercising is now a big part of my overall health. I started off slowly, forcing myself, quite frankly, to move my body. And now, two years later, I’m stronger, have more physical endurance, and my mental health is stable. Believe me when I tell you that I never thought exercise, particularly at the glacial pace at which I started, would help. I’m here to tell you that it has helped. Tremendously. Every little bit helps, and it’s never too late to start.

Feature image by Arek Adeoye on Unsplash.

See more of my posts on mental health here.

Anxiety, Intrusive thoughts, Mental Health, Panic Disorder, Suicide

Anxiety and Having Intrusive Thoughts of Ending it All

Liana

My anxiety is, thankfully, well-managed right now. But six months ago, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t escape the intrusive thoughts that taunted me to end it all. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.

Feature image by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash.

See more of my posts here.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Panic Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Practicing Self-Care Can Be Hard

Liana

There are oodles of books on self-care nowadays. Its importance to wellbeing is plastered all over social media, is fodder for talk shows and podcasts, and is touted by doctors and therapists as essential to curing what ails the mind and body. That being said, practicing self-care can be hard. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.

Feature image by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com.

See more of my posts here.

Mental Health

Managing Mental Illness – Will I ever truly be well?

Liana

Mental illness is a shit-show. To combat it, one must always be on the look out, watching for signs and symptoms of recurrence. When detected, one must pull out the big guns, as it were – the weapons of learned coping skills , methodologies, medications, and support team – with the constant hope that thusly armed, the event will pass with minimal damage left in its wake.

Grateful as I always am when the event does pass, I am often left wondering. Will I ever truly be well? Or, is this how things will be for the rest of my life?

I’ve been asking this last question for over two decades and counting and, as much as I want to believe that the last event was THE last event, so far, it has not been so.

Mental illness is real. It’s not imagined. It’s not something one can simply will away. I know. I tried – twenty years ago before I took my first antidepressant. The shame I felt then… the defeat… when swallowing that first pill. If someone had told me twenty years ago that I’d be sitting here today, on guard, constantly at-the-ready to fight this ongoing fight, I wonder what I would have said – or done?

I’ve had many ups and downs over the years. I hit rock bottom in 2012 when I came close to suicide. That’s how far and deep I’d fallen. It was the hardest fight of my life, getting out of that hole. But I did it – and I’m grateful every day that I’m still alive to tell about it. And, while seven years have passed since that dark day, I’m still fighting – like today’s seemingly for-no-reason symptoms of anxiety sneaking up on my psyche, ready to pounce.

Out comes the weaponry. I’m always on alert, remember?

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I will battle mental illness until the day I die. I will have to be vigilant. Because, the truth is, wellness ebbs and flows – a recovery/remission/recurrence, as it were. I must practice my skills while I am well so that they are well oiled and ready for battle when the next one comes. As I’m sure it will.

If you are reading this and you need support, please reach out. Get help! Don’t wait to hit rock bottom. Do it now. I’ve provided some links below.

CAMH
Crisis Services Canada
US Suicide Prevention Lifeline
healthyplace.com

Mental Health

It’s International Mental Health Day #InternationalMentalHealthDay

Liana

October 10th is International Mental Health Day, first marked in 1992 as part of an initiative of the World Federation for Mental Health.

I suffer from mental illness and have done, since I was a child of ten. Sadly, mental illness effects millions of people around the world, indiscriminately. The odds are that someone in your circle-of-influence is suffering, often times in silence.

Days like today, International Mental Health Day, Bell Let’s Talk Day, etc., shine a light on this global epidemic, providing much needed information to sufferers, family and friends, support workers, medical practitioners, remedy practitioners, clergy, businesses, and so on. It helps remind us all that mental health is a serious illness that should not be discounted and that the people who suffer from mental illness should not be judged. Every year on this day, we are reminded that the word is getting out, that help is available, and most importantly, that we are not alone.

Every day I feel intense gratitude for the many people who support me – both present, and past. At the top of that list is my husband of 36 years. His unwavering love for me acts as a ladder that helps me climb up and out from what are sometimes the depths of despair. His calm, rational words remind me to check my mental health gauges and seek medical attention when he sees that I am slipping. His sense of humour helps bouy me above dark waters. Thank you!

If you are reading this and you need support, please reach out. Get help! Don’t wait for the next special day of recognition. Do it now. I’ve provided some links below.

CAMH
Crisis Services Canada
US Suicide Prevention Lifeline
healthyplace.com

Cannabis, Depression, Mental Health

Feeling Hopeless – the cruelty of depression

Liana

I hadn’t experienced feeling hopeless in years. Not since 2011. That’s a long time, successfully keeping my head above water – sometimes floating calmly, other times, flapping about madly – all in an attempt to stay afloat and keep depression away.

And yet.

Despite best efforts, doing my mental-wellness “homework”, as I call it, depression took hold – again! – and dragged me down to the point of hopelessness. I was flabbergasted. What, again?? No. It couldn’t possibly… Yet there I was – sad, defeated, tired, broken.

The pragmatic, logical side of me knew that I wasn’t hopeless. But, somewhere in the depressed mind, reality and logic simply don’t connect.

From hopelessness, I fell a little further into feeling as though I had no value. None, whatsoever. I knew that I was a good: wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, friend, pet-mom, etc., but my brain chemistry changed how I perceived the value of these roles.

That’s one of depression’s cruelest tricks – it robs you of your ability to feel the good while simultaneously amplifying the bad.

Despite every instinct that just wanted to lay on the couch, do nothing, and be okay with doing nothing, I knew that there was very little room between where I was and rock bottom. I’d stared suicide in the face eight years ago, I wasn’t about to go there again.

It took every micro ounce of energy I had to do what I had to do – talk therapy, discussions with my cannabis educators (with tweaks to timing and dosage), and visits to my doctor – before the fog finally lifted. When you’re in it, the journey seems impossible! There’s no WAY I’m going to feel better! And yet – I do.

On June 6th I wrote about how depression knocked me on my ass. Today is August 6th – and I finally feel better. I can breathe. I feel hopeful. I know that I provide tremendous value to the people in my life. To that end, I continue to work with my therapist, cannabis educators, and my doctor, to proactively equip myself with the tools I need to stay well. Fingers crossed, it’ll be years before I feel this poorly again – hell, I’m shooting for never feeling that way again.

One can hope.

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If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, there are many resources out there that can help. Ask for help. Seek medical attention. Visit one of the links below.

CAMH – The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
CASP – Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention

See more of my posts here.

Depression, Mental Health

#Depression knocks me on my ass!

Liana

It still surprises me that after all these years battling depression, it can still knock me on my ass! It’s frustrating and exhausting. But, it shouldn’t be surprising. Not really. Dealing with depression symptoms – something I’ve done for almost 20 years – is like playing the same crappy computer game over and over, and there are bugs in the program that put you in a seemingly endless loop.

In the grand scheme of things, my depression is managed. It never goes away, though. Symptoms come and go on the regular; some times they’re worse than other times – like now. I’ve spent the day doing practically nothing save for plenty of negative self-talk:

“You’re a fake!”

“You’re lazy!”

“Just get UP and DO some-thing… ANY-thing!”

“Stop staring at nothing!”

“You should go for a walk.”

“You should be grateful for your life!”

… and so on.

Worse yet, I hear my negative self-talk, know what it is and have coping skills to deal with it – but I don’t use them. I mean, what IS that? THAT, is a symptom of the depression. When you know all the things that help to alleviate it but you can’t bring yourself to do them!

This isn’t one of those blog post that will have a meaningful conclusion other than to perhaps say – “Hey, it’s okay to have these bad days. If this is all you can manage, then this is all you can manage and it’s okay. You have an illness and sometimes it’s hard to get through the day. Let go of your guilt. Tomorrow is a new day.”

Wait – I guess that was the meaningful conclusion. And if you’re still reading this, know – like I do – that you’re not alone.

Cannabis, Mental Health

Finding Gratitude: First Grandchild, Legalized Cannabis and Semi-Retirement Versus Job Loss, Mental illness and Compassion Fatigue

Liana

There was a time, back when my kids were young and we celebrated New Year’s Eve at home with friends and family, when – some minutes before midnight, after reminiscing about the year’s events with gratitude, we’d set a fire in a large barrel in the backyard and BURN shit! Old calendars, bras, photos of our X’s… whatever it was that we wanted to physically and emotionally eradicate. Then, at the stroke of midnight, we’d raise our glasses to ring in the new year, then ponder and commit to great things for the future. It was therapeutic – bye-bye old year with its trials and heartache, hello new year, full of promise and wonder.

I can’t remember where the idea to do this came from (my has-a-penchance-for-pyrotechnics Hubby) or why it waned (we moved and no longer lived on a ravine) but, I miss it.

Consider this blog post the reminisce/eradicate/commit ceremony of 2018.

Top 3 things I am grateful for from 2018 (besides Hubby, Kids, Fam and Besties who are always at the very top of the gratitude list) :

Right out of the gate – the birth of my first grandchild. While technically he was born December 28th the prior year, I am grateful for the many wonder-filled hours I’ve spent with him throughout 2018. Truth is, I smile the entire time I’m with him! He’s a delightfully heady elixir to what ails me – mind and body.

Next, I’m very grateful that cannabis was legalized in Canada. While I had been experimenting with cannabis prior to legalization – both as an alternative to pharmaceuticals for my depression and anxiety, and recreationally as an alternative to alcohol – I am delighted that I no longer have to hide it. I can partake openly and continue to benefit from its healing properties.

Lastly, I’m grateful for the abundance of time to myself this year – having started semi-retirement rather unexpectedly. With this time, I was able to help care for my elderly father during an acute illness that lasted several months. I’ve also read almost two dozen books, have taken an interest in indoor gardening, and have started crocheting again.

Top 3 things I’m tossing into the barrel fire (metaphorically speaking) :

Right out of the gate – job loss. After twenty years, my old employer and I parted ways. I call it involuntary semi-retirement, though technically I did have a choice. Let’s just say that tossing it into the fire speaks for itself.

Next, my mental illness definitely spiked this year – specifically, my anxiety. While depression too has been its usual burden, my anxiety took me to new and rather horrible places. Glad to give it the old heave-ho into the fire too.

Lastly, and connected to my father’s illness; navigating his hospital stay, home care, appointments, and dealing with governing bodies on his behalf, left me with a bad case of compassion fatigue. The fire gets this one too.

Pondering the new year :

I commit to being grateful.

That’s it. No lofty goals or resolutions for me. Just a commitment to be grateful.

I’m a firm believer that gratitude will open the door to all sorts of wonderment. And, while next year will undoubtedly have its burdens (fodder for another barrel fire), it will most certainly have many delights.

See more of my posts here.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

The holidays are hard – especially for those with #mentalillness

Liana

I come from a long line of people with mental illness. From OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) to schizophrenia to GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) to maybe even PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It stands to reason then, that some of this landed on me and even my kids.

If you’ve read one or two of my blogs, you know I suffer from Anxiety and Depression, both of which make enjoying the holidays very challenging.

I live in Southern Ontario, near Toronto, where this time of year can be very, very bleak – weather-wise. Yes, we’ve made it through the shortest day of the year (Dec 21) and are on the slow journey to spring, but add the holidays to that – with all the (sometimes) harrowing acts of buying and wrapping gifts, the well-intentioned visits, the obligations of faith, and the – let’s face it – unreasonable expectation to have fun and be joyful – and it can be a veritable vortex sucking you down into a pit of woe.

I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you’re overwhelmed… or even underwhelmed for that matter.

The holidays are hard enough for normal people but even harder for those having to deal with #mentalillness. Sometimes, we just want to crawl (or stay) under the covers and not have to fight the (bad) fight. Sometimes, we just want to cry, or scream, or just sit quietly without having to explain why.

To all those suffering, like me, know this. You are not alone. Know that the holidays are finite and soon you’ll be on the other side. If you can, reach out to someone – a friend or family member, a pastor, a coworker, or even someone on social media.

And, from me to you – may your heart and mind be chaos free and may you feel some peace. Joy and merriment too, if you can manage it. But mostly, I wish you peace.