Welcome to this safe space, where I write about my experiences with aphantasia, and mental illness.
My anxiety is, thankfully, well-managed right now. But six months ago, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t escape the intrusive thoughts that taunted me to end it all. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.
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On those rare occasions in the morning, between sleep and awake, when I’m conscious, but the images from my dreams float behind my eyes—known as hypnopompia—that’s when I revel in what it must be like to “see” imagery.
My imagination is blind, meaning I can’t visualize. This neurodiversity is called aphantasia, and I was born with it. When I close my eyes and try to imagine something—an animal, a landscape, a person—all I see is black and grey and sometimes lava-lamp-like splotches of light purple and white. That’s the extent of my visual imagery.
I recently tweeted about this experience and was surprised to learn that this in-between sleep and awake state had a name: hypnopompia. In contrast, there is hypnagogia which is the state between awake and sleep.
According to Wikipedia:
The hypnopompic state (or hypnopompia) is the state of consciousness leading out of sleep, a term coined by the psychical researcher Frederic Myers. Its mirror is the hypnagogic state at sleep onset.
Wikipedia
Upon doing a little bit of research, I learned that what I am actually experiencing is called hypnopompic hallucinations. What? I’m hallucinating?
The Sleep Foundation website explains:
Hypnopompic hallucinations are hallucinations that occur in the morning as you’re waking up . . . For most people, hypnopompic hallucinations are considered normal and are not cause for concern.
Ryan, T. (2021, June 23). What Are Hypnopompic Hallucinations? Sleep Foundation. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/hypnopompic-hallucinations
Needless to say, I was relieved to read that: “not cause for concern.” Still, way to burst my bubble, internet.
Having a blind imagination has never stopped me from achieving. For instance:
Having aphantasia doesn’t preclude me from being smart or creative. But having aphantasia is frustrating sometimes.
Would I “cure” my blind imagination if I had the chance? First of all, aphantasia is not an illness or disease that demands a cure. But, if there was an opportunity to achieve vivid imagery, like many aphantasics, my response is: only if I could turn it on and off. The thought of having sudden, permanent imagery is overwhelming.
Until then, I will bask in the hypnopompic hallucinations that allow me to see images of my sweet mother, who passed in 2016… if only for a few brief, magical moments.
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I’ve had panic and anxiety since I was a child, undiagnosed, of course. I remember waking up out of a sound sleep in the middle of a panic attack, although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. My parents said I was having bad dreams, which I’m sure made sense to them. Even as a child, I knew that I wasn’t having bad dreams, although the symptoms felt like I was locked in some kind of nightmare. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.
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There are oodles of books on self-care nowadays. Its importance to wellbeing is plastered all over social media, is fodder for talk shows and podcasts, and is touted by doctors and therapists as essential to curing what ails the mind and body. That being said, practicing self-care can be hard. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.
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I recently experienced an unexpected anxiety trigger while watching a movie. This had never happened to me before. Granted, the movie was about the impending doom of planet Earth, but it was a “dramedy”: a movie combining elements of drama and comedy. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.
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I’ve been drinking an average of two cups of caffeinated coffee a day for decades. Not a lot by some standards. I relished my first “cup of Joe” in the morning, appreciating the way it got me going. That second cup in the afternoon was the delicious pick-me-up I needed. I always knew that caffeine was a stimulant, but I never quite understood how caffeine affected my anxiety, if at all. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.
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Talking openly about anxiety, or any mental illness, is a relatively new concept. For many, it can be a terrifying notion. It wasn’t that long ago that psychiatric illnesses were not only a blight on the individual but on the whole family, as well. With the help of initiatives like Bell Let’s Talk Day, this is finally changing. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.
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I have long since been an advocate for medical cannabis to help cure what ails you. The use of CBD for anxiety relief, for instance. Or, using THC to help alleviate depression.
To learn what cannabis is, and for CBD and THC definitions, click here.
Whether as a substitute for traditional medicine or in addition to it, cannabis helps millions of people around the globe.
Recently, I used CBD for acute anxiety relief, and it went horribly wrong. I’m still trying to figure out what the <bleep> went wrong!
I started using cannabis to treat mental illness alongside my prescribed medication—an SSRI—several years ago when I entered perimenopause. Increased anxiety is often a symptom of perimenopause. Nobody ever told me that. Mood swings and hot flashes? Sure. But anxiety? No. Not even my doctor.
At the time, my doctor chose to deal with my fluctuating anxiety by changing my prescription altogether. This resulted in a shit-storm of side effects ranging from the dreaded brain zaps to exacerbated tinnitus and elevated blood pressure. I wrote it about here.
I learned that many people were using cannabis for—among other things—relief from symptoms of mental illness. Given I suffer(ed) from anxiety and depression, I decided to give it a try and had great success. Until I didn’t.
In August 2021, after months of having slowly ceased all medications, supplements, and cannabis use—I wanted to do a full-body reset—I had a massive collapse. I don’t use those words lightly. I suffered days and nights filled with wave after wave of panic attacks. For weeks, I was in a perpetual fight-or-flight loop. It got so bad one night that I even went to the emergency room. You can read the whole story here.
By mid-September, I was in a precarious state of recovery. The panic attacks had mainly subsided, but fluctuating anxiety was still a huge problem.
To learn more about how CBD and SSRIs may interact, click here.
I had started therapy and was waiting for my SSRI to kick in—the same SSRI I had weaned myself off of six months prior. Because my doctor didn’t want to prescribe any additional medication quite yet, I thought that I could reintroduce CBD to help bridge the gap.
Before using CBD to relieve my anxiety, I consulted with my medical cannabis clinic. They agreed that CBD could help and advised me to start low and go slow—the cannabis-use mantra. They reminded me of potential side effects—headache, drowsiness, diarrhea, etc.—that could last for a few days.
I had taken as much as 50mg of CBD a day in the past. Keeping low and slow in mind, I decided to start at 20% of that dose. I ordered 10mg gel caps from my favorite provider—very credible—and waited for them to arrive.
On average, ingested cannabis products take about 90 minutes before any effects are felt. In my case, it was around that 90-minute mark on that first day that I got a mild headache. I expected it and wasn’t too concerned. Anxiety feeds on fear and uncertainty, but I was confident in CBD given my past experience.
The next day, I took CBD again, and again, I got a headache after about 90 minutes. This time the headache was stronger and was accompanied by some anxiety. Given I was already suffering from fluctuating anxiety throughout the day, I pushed through. I woke up several times that night, my anxiety mounting.
On the third day of taking CBD for anxiety relief, I got a pounding headache and became agitated, restless, and fearful. I could feel the anxiety climbing higher and higher. I woke in the middle of the night in full fight-or-flight mode with intrusive thoughts speeding through my psyche: I’m better off dead. I can’t take it anymore. How many pills would it take to end this nightmare?
The panic was scary. But the kinds of thoughts I had were terrifying!
Given I had changed nothing else in my treatment, the only rational conclusion was that the CBD wreaked havoc on my fragile system. I ceased taking CBD after only 3 days and haven’t taken it again since.
Not only did cannabis help me in the past, but I enjoyed it. Having ceased drinking alcohol several years ago, along with the therapeutic benefits of cannabis, THC was fun to consume. It definitely helped with my depression.
I don’t know why my body reacted to CBD the way it did this time. Maybe it was because I had only restarted my SSRI a few weeks prior. Maybe it was because I didn’t start low and slow enough. I’m sure I’ll never know why for sure.
I incorrectly assumed that my body could handle CBD as it had in the past for the treatment of anxiety. This time, that was unfortunately not the case.
I will continue to advocate for cannabis, though, because I really do believe that it can help. As for me, I may try cannabis again in the future, just not anytime soon.
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See more of my mental health posts here. For more posts on cannabis, click here.
I was in my late thirties when I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). As a child of the ’60s born of immigrant parents who survived both the Great Depression and World War II—each of them with their own harrowing experiences—I was raised with a “don’t complain, pull up your bootstraps and get on with it” mentality. As such, I grew up feeling unworthy of my anxiety. Continue reading on HealthyPlace.com.
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I have long since shared my experiences with anxiety and depression here on my Cascading Insights personal blog. My recent battle with acute anxiety and panic inspired me to try and reach a broader audience. So, I’m now writing for HealthyPlace—a highly regarded mental health support site—as the newest author of their Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog. Check out my introduction blog and video HERE.
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Cascading Insights 